no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
