At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
