I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
