Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
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