Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Apparently you make a good broom.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
