and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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