As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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