About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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