Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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