I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
you made out with another girl for some wings
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
