Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
