i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Nobody cheats on THIS.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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