I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
