3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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