if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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