So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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