Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
