So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
