And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Help. Why am I so naked?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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