Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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