I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
