and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
