I wish I could teleport
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
