the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
