I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
