finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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