Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
