why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
