tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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