we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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