So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
