now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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