I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
