No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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