i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
