i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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