I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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