so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
