I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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