dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
