mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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