Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
