All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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