After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
