my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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