My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
