apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
