we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
