Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
