After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
