Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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