dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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